A Prisoner of Things I Cannot Change

If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.

Nikita Gill

I have thought hard about my life. The very fact that my past never seems to let me go is daunting! I feel that every once in a while my miserable and pathetic childhood,( all those lonely times spent helplessly hoping to have anyone in my life who would want to extend their hand and guide me throughout my life, embrace me and tuck me in during bedtime,) haunts me!

Having had a bipolar mother and a father who lived a thousand miles away, my life seemed meek and hopeless. I lived in a less-than-ideal neighbourhood from which I have seen children from dysfunctional families in the insidious traps of early child marriages and forced motherhood, I have looked poverty in the eye and was lucky enough to have a responsible father who fed and schooled me even when he was far away and even when cases such as his would result in an otherwise justified cause to abandon his child .I was indeed fortunate to come this far! To be able to say I am studying to become a lawyer, to be encouraged to achieve higher education is the best thing that has ever happened to me thanks to my father.

I recall painful memories from when I was a child, there is nothing more heartbreaking for a child than to lose your family and to grow up disoriented and puzzled and with no example to learn from or role model to guide you. What is worse is when your parents are physically and emotionally unavailable causing you to grow up with zero social skills and therefore, have a tough time making and maintaining your relationships; not to mention ending up with one or two personality disorders that make it infuriatingly impossible to deal with your emotions the “normal way”!

Dysfunctional families leave children to tend for themselves.Such an environment forces a child to grow up and be independent enough to care for themselves, you do not come home to a cozy meal, or warm smiles, instead you come home to an empty house that stares back at you with a frown upon its devilish face. You cannot make it a home no matter how much you scrub or clean it! Because what makes a house a home is the people living in that house, it is the sense of family, bonding and togetherness!

I feel that loneliness every day I come back “home” from school!

It is heartbreaking to me to have tried against all odds to make it this far and still feel incomplete just because I do not belong to a (family) home! It is crazy to imagine that a beautiful,intelligent girl like me can still be haunted by memories of my childhood, that beneath my every smile is a hidden story of the emptiness and loneliness I was made to suffer by circumstances beyond my control. However, what is more unsettling is the fact that I am still ruffled by all that I experienced when I was growing up! That, despite my academic achievement I still feel the effect my childhood has over my decisions, my confidence, my self- esteem and relationships!

The question then becomes, “when will I forget?” Just when will enough be enough! WHEN WILL THE MEMORIES OF MY MISERABLE CHILDHOOD STOP INFLUENCING MY PRESENT AND FUTURE? I so want to click the “delete all” button on my Life’s Remote Control and just start all over again!

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