Tell Me I am the Best and I Will Stop Searching

I do not believe in myself.

It is always easy for me to praise and congratulate my colleagues for their incredible speeches in class, or for their outstanding and consistent effort in their studies but I hardly pat myself on the back for that time I engineered the best speech ever in highschool,( which I gave to someone else to recite word for word when I could have done the whole ordeal way better than anyone in the school) or that time when I was topping my class in both secular and Islamic studies four years in a row!

I am appalled at how humbly humble I am.

I am too down-to-earth and real to acknowledge my uniqueness. I feel like I could use some intense self-love and adoration once in a while.

It is almost like my self-esteem flew out the window and into a ditch somewhere never to be found!

I am awesome, smart, intelligent, humorous, beautiful, loving and practical!

I solve my own problems without needing anybody’s help. I am my own person and I do not seek aid even in those times that I could benefit immensely from someone’s help!

People see me and they go like, “She is a genius!” ,or “You are so beautiful!” while I react by wondering , “Are these people referring to me?”, “How can I be all those things?”

Sometimes I reward myself for completing a project or for preparing for examinations just so my mind remembers that if it commits itself to studies, then it gets to watch freshly released Suicide Squad on the big screen or that KitKat Krusher at KFC or a warm KFC zinger boxmaster!

My mind definitey remembers and longs for those moments when I spoil myself with binge-eating and watching!

However, I sometimes wonder if I truly really know my worth. Anyone who is not in my shoes would love to be ME. The question is however, do I want to be me?

Perhaps, people look at me and wish to be where I am or to achieve what I have achieved so far. On the other hand, I hardly give myself due credit for my awesomeness.

In romantic relationships is where I find myself falling short of self esteem and appreciation. There are so many hot, cute guys out there but somehow, I always find myself tangled up with “less-than-ideal” partners whom family and friends would naturally, obviously not welcome in my life. Either the guy is uneducated, jobless, way older or unavailable!

It is madness when you think about it really! How on earth does a beautiful, smart and intelligent girl like me end up entagled with anyone fitting the above described criteria? Do not ask, because I do not have the answers!

I have observed that I find myself attracted to the wrong people! Those who are right for me, I do not lose sleep over them one bit; I dont find myself drawn to those who are in the same career as me or have similar plans and will walk the same path as mine or those whom my dad will definitely accept as my suitors falling in the category of doctors and engineers!

I am torn between my gut and heart on one hand and what is seen as proper and acceptable by my family and society on the other!

This is a conscious, consistent battle as long as I am an educated girl!How I wish the heart also wore its own graduation cape and had its own degree because then, only then, would it be able to choose, mate with and marry its fellow educated and lawyerized heart soulmate!

Life Would Be Simpler If Everyone Was Honest

You do not like bread but would rather eat mofa, say it!

You think you will be too busy to remember to mawn your neighbour’s lawn, do not accept to mawn it in the first place!

You know that you are richly broke you cannot afford to pay your maid and eat at the same time, let your maid go!

Why is it that people complicate life and later complain how life is this or how inconsiderate other people are being,when you can simply say no to something earlier on and save yourself and others so much whining and complaining!

Dear whiners you just do not know it, but people can actually get tired of hearing you complain over and over again when you had several chances to avoid an uncomfortable situation but did not try to avoid it or say no!

If you think you are not in a position to accept responsibility, just do not acquisce and later bunter about how difficult this or that is and how you would still accept to do it all over again because you do not have the nerve to speak in favour of yourself!

This reminds me of that moment when muslims complicate Islam by innovating rather creatively all those petty things that have suddenly become haram instead of focusing on how haram it really is for Saudi Arabia to disregard the sanctity of AlQuds or for it to boycott Qatar or for it to be friendly to Israel!

Let us be real guys!

Alice in Loverland?

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have as both are infinite.

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

Love puzzles me.

If Shakespeare and Li Bai could feel and see love so strongly and surely that they felt obliged to share with the entire world( or rather worlds; maybe aliens have their own incarnation of Shakespeare- we will be sure to ask Thor about it  the next time he hammers down to earth!) about romance making the world/s truly believe in the possibility that two people(or aliens) can love each other so profoundly insanely, that it does little help to give a true and realistic picture of what love really, truly is.

What is love?

I do not know!

Shocking?

Not at all!

Love the Shakespeare-way is downright fantastical!Unless you suffer from twilightis a mental disorder I personally came up with for twilight trilogy fans who believe in gliding, sparkling and other-worldly hot vampire boyfriends who look 17 but were actually born in 1901 and who will sweep you off your feet(literally) and take you to esme island for your honeymoon, love the Romeoliet- style just does not exist!

With such unidyllic examples of love to learn from, it is no wonder that people become lost when it comes to love; everyone becomes Alice in Loverland at some point in their life!

He Loves Me, but He is Broken Like Me

They say if you are a broken or damaged soul, your best chance lies in finding someone who is WHOLE or atleast, less broken than you. This way he or she can offer their hand to you and be your aid in case you cannot go on.

When two people marry, they merge and become one person. How then can two broken souls become one whole when both of them are not even real halves in the first place? When he has issues with one of his parents and I with one of mine, how then can we build a family for our future children? How then can we guarantee that our emotional baggage will not be carried into our marriage and trickle down to our potential prenthood such that our kids will become like us, with daddy and mummy issues? We share in our past, in our darkest of days, how then can we enjoy the sun together as one when we are both unfamiliar with the light?

My mind incessantly tells me he is the one! Every nerve of my intuition screams at me that he just may be that other half of my complete being! But what can I say? I feel scared to merge with someone who is shattered and is still picking up the pieces, just when I am gluing back mine in hopes to a better, happier, past-free life with someone who will be my savior- who will have no turmoil wrecking havoc in his mind or heart and who will gallop towards me, a damsel in distress, and whose arm I will so tightly grab as I climb up behind him heading for paradise!

A Walk Down Memory Lane

I was such a handsome “boy” playing a kadhi at this Swahili wedding during our Swahili Cultural Show in Highschool.

I love myself. I am obsessed with self-love and self adoration.

Today a friend from highschool sent me this picture(above) and I was so thrilled I could not stop smiling!

I was playing a muslim cleric in that photograph during a senior students’ Cultural Show. We were off to the “masjid” in that picture walking side by side with the “groom”. It was overly cute and just so nostalgic!

I love my memories from highschool. I could go back right now and relive this moment all over again!

When I Cry

I am officially a crybaby!

I am watching twilight and when Edward tries to off himself by revealing his true identity to humans, I cry. I cry when the chef mouse in Ratatouille falls into the sewer. I cry when the mouse in little stuart gets stuck in the washing machine because oh my God he is just too tiny and helpless soooo saaaaaddddd!

Cry babies have a special place in heaven- as chairpersons of the

Heavenly Empathy Club!

They say I am way too sensitive; that I take things personally! Just how am I supposed to take things when someone comments about my weight in public or says I look like the eldest when I am seated next to my super skinny elder sister? Would a smile and a nod be appropriate? Pleaseeee!

Anywho, I always stay true to my feelings! I am honest about being sad and I let myself feel it with a tear waterfall or two!

What can I say? I do not like to lie to myself! Haha!

A Dose of Logic A Day Keeps Boyfriends Away

Be foolishly in love because love is all there is

Rumi

I have been in search for love like Sinbad the sailor was in search for adventure! I am in love with the idea of love! However, with all the hard work that comes with dating and relationships, love has become less fun and more like that job you really do not want but must keep to pay your bills even though you have to ingest a daily dose of anti-depressants just so you can survive 9 to 5 every day!

I have no idea what love is anymore! Is it that feeling you get in your stomach when your eyes meet the fruit vendor’s across the street? Or maybe, when your heart drops to the floor the moment a certain person’s name is mentioned out loud? Or is love simply the result of marrying someone and showing them how committed you are to them? What the hell is love?

I feel lost many times. Infact, I confuse love with infatuation and infatuation with love. Moments like these, I find myself overly obsessed with someone only to change my mind soon after and ditch them. In the beginning of course, it is love to me, the kind of love Princess Fiona had for Shrek, Or that time King Arthur married a maid servant and turned her into a queen for love! Then a few days later, this love I feel transposes to that moment when Trump announces that he is moving US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and you are a Plestinian muslim! Things don’t go well at all!

I think people crave for love because they want to be fulfilled. The idea is to be completed by that other person. However, for me, love is like food! I need to feel satisfied to be happy! When I am hungry and food is not available, I get crunky! Correspondingly, just like I get loud when I am famished and I need food, I do the same when I am rattleboned for some love!

So I have been disappointed in my choice of food or foods and I am left undernourished always! Either the guy is emotionally unavailable, is not into texting, or is not enthusiastic about our plans, I always somehow end up thin!

Therefore, I decided that it is about time to find an alternative to love. Something to keep me fulfilled and full without all that hard work! I found it! Logic. A daily dose of analytical thinking and theories.

I think I am going to be pretty full for the next two or three lifetimes! Goodbye Shakespeare, welcome Epicurus!

Babies Come with Their Phones

( Woman in labour screaming her lungs out)

Doctor: ” Looks like  the baby’s phone got twisted with the umblical cord!”

Babies are born with their phones! Or atleast own a tablet or two inside mommy or perhaps the latest PS!

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The toy stores are out of business( I closed mine down the moment my little sister started crawling towards my phone and dancing to the songs inside it haha). Babies want, nay, DEMAND their own phones, tablets or computers and they do not necessarily ask nicely!

My class two little brother owns his own tablet! I remember being given my first Samsung Galaxy Pocket when I graduated highschool! In fact, I would have been more glad had dad put off introducing me to “Zombie Town of Incessant Non-stop Texting” for another year or two!

I am scared I will need to ban even the tv for my future kids just so they do not become “tiny entitled technologized “adults”” who wake up and sleep with tv, phones, games and more games!

I mean when do these kids study?Where do they get time to play with their friends children games from my days as a child like hide and seek or play fetch or skip rope? I had fun pretend cooking with my buddies! How about that time when I owned my most precious pretend cooking set with tiny karai, mwiko wa tundu tundu, jiko and chuma cha chapati?

Happy childhood or tech savvy childhood? Which one will you choose for your kids?

 

A Prisoner of Things I Cannot Change

If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to others then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.

Nikita Gill

I have thought hard about my life. The very fact that my past never seems to let me go is daunting! I feel that every once in a while my miserable and pathetic childhood,( all those lonely times spent helplessly hoping to have anyone in my life who would want to extend their hand and guide me throughout my life, embrace me and tuck me in during bedtime,) haunts me!

Having had a bipolar mother and a father who lived a thousand miles away, my life seemed meek and hopeless. I lived in a less-than-ideal neighbourhood from which I have seen children from dysfunctional families in the insidious traps of early child marriages and forced motherhood, I have looked poverty in the eye and was lucky enough to have a responsible father who fed and schooled me even when he was far away and even when cases such as his would result in an otherwise justified cause to abandon his child .I was indeed fortunate to come this far! To be able to say I am studying to become a lawyer, to be encouraged to achieve higher education is the best thing that has ever happened to me thanks to my father.

I recall painful memories from when I was a child, there is nothing more heartbreaking for a child than to lose your family and to grow up disoriented and puzzled and with no example to learn from or role model to guide you. What is worse is when your parents are physically and emotionally unavailable causing you to grow up with zero social skills and therefore, have a tough time making and maintaining your relationships; not to mention ending up with one or two personality disorders that make it infuriatingly impossible to deal with your emotions the “normal way”!

Dysfunctional families leave children to tend for themselves.Such an environment forces a child to grow up and be independent enough to care for themselves, you do not come home to a cozy meal, or warm smiles, instead you come home to an empty house that stares back at you with a frown upon its devilish face. You cannot make it a home no matter how much you scrub or clean it! Because what makes a house a home is the people living in that house, it is the sense of family, bonding and togetherness!

I feel that loneliness every day I come back “home” from school!

It is heartbreaking to me to have tried against all odds to make it this far and still feel incomplete just because I do not belong to a (family) home! It is crazy to imagine that a beautiful,intelligent girl like me can still be haunted by memories of my childhood, that beneath my every smile is a hidden story of the emptiness and loneliness I was made to suffer by circumstances beyond my control. However, what is more unsettling is the fact that I am still ruffled by all that I experienced when I was growing up! That, despite my academic achievement I still feel the effect my childhood has over my decisions, my confidence, my self- esteem and relationships!

The question then becomes, “when will I forget?” Just when will enough be enough! WHEN WILL THE MEMORIES OF MY MISERABLE CHILDHOOD STOP INFLUENCING MY PRESENT AND FUTURE? I so want to click the “delete all” button on my Life’s Remote Control and just start all over again!

Writer’s Block

“I write only when I am inspired!” I said, “what is your inspiration?” A fellow blogger and a friend asked, ” experience!” I asserted. Experience has always taught me valuable lessons which inspire me to share with the rest of the world!

I discovered my passion in writing when I found out that I expressed myself best when I put it down on paper or screen. I was overly shy and an introvert back in the day and I could not communicate my thoughts to others and I would always find it so easy to just write my feelings. Infact, I felt much better and less obsessed about my emotions at that particular time once I had expressed myself through writing. I would keep a personal journal or diary in which I would write my frustrations, my inhibitions, insecurities, nightmares, nostalgic moments, and anything that was in my mind and taking up my head space!

Writing became my voice.

However, what I did not foresee coming at me was writer’s block. The first time I heard about it was in Primary school in an english class and my teacher defined it as the most frustrating moment when a writer’s mind goes blank! That moment when inspiration flies out the window and you cannot think of anything to write! A writer’s worst nightmare; who knew even inspiration had dry spells?

I thought this only happened to some people until it happened to me and I was so annoyed by it that I dreaded writer’s block every time it happened. Therefore, I found it best to write as soon as I am inspired to. Inspiration or an idea could hit me when I am in the toilet doing my business, or on the streets running an errand,or in the kitchen cooking something, and I make a point to always immediately start writing as soon as I get inspired to. I remember this one time I was supposed to meet up with someone so he could take me to a social event I was dying to attend. I got up early that day and even cooked lunch for my family by 8 in the morning since I was not going to be around during lunch time, and just when I was about to get dressed I got inspired to write and one minute later I found myself immersed in my piece,my next blogpost, that I did not notice all the missed calls as the guy I was supposed to meet was trying to reach me. I looked at the time and I was delayed by an hour! The guy was pissed off but hey, atleast I got to write down an incredibly captivating blog post!

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