It is 5:00 PM EAT and I am seated on a baraza in a tiny park-like area reserved for passers-by to just sit down and relax. I feel so alone. There is nothing here to keep me busy. I wake up and I have to work hard to just get through the day without dying of boredom.
I am watching tuktuks and cars passing by as if I do not really exist; as if I am part of the baraza which I am sitting on. How does someone survive a day or two without keeping active or accomplishing something? How do people live without a purpose? “Why don’t you watch movies?” A friend suggested. I am tired of movies? Yes that is right!! Infact, I have begun to realize that movies or my laptop screen is a place I go to not out of choice but because I do not have a choice! I recall from an early age being fixated in front of the tv screen just because my life was lacking on so many levels that the only interaction I had at my disposal was a grey box with moving pictures on it! I feel like what I once thought was a hobby is actually a replacement of those things I do not presently have in my life. I have been using tv or screen time to fill the void of my lonely, socially-handicapped lifestyle that was brought by circumstances beyond my control. It is only now that I realize these unhealthy patterns in my life. Therefore,more than anything I want to connect emotionally with people and be around people; more than life itself I crave human connection and interaction!
Coming from a dysfunctional family does not help my social skills at all! Thus, it took me a while to feel comfortable in my own skin when I am surrounded by other people! I have been called “weird” and a “nerd” several times because of my poor social skills but that is because instead of being surrounded by family when I was a child, I had only a tv and novels to socialize with! They were my two most dear friends in the world. In other words, I was not invited to be a member of the Social Club of the World when I was growing up.
Now that I am all grown up and almost done with college, I deeply feel a need to be close to someone and share my life with them. My worst fear is being lonely, all by myself! I do not ever want to be alone!
I find life when I am with people. It makes me sleep at night when I hear other voices apart from the voice of my breathing; when I have to fight for the blanket with my little brother who is sleeping beside me or fight for remote control.
Upweke ni uvundo, they say, well they were spot on right!