Predestination? Mmmh, Maybe, Maybe Not!

“Do not worry about a thing, God has it all planned out for you!” or, “Had God wanted you would have gotten that job. Maybe it is good that you did not get it, you never know, God may have known it was not good for you!” I was told these words one way or another,every time with more conviction and confidence that my brain was conditioned to believe that God had chosen a certain life for me ever since the beginning of time and I, no matter what I was going to do with my life, was never going to stray from the Chosen Path.

“Marriages are planned in heaven. You can date Ahmed and Ali but just know that someone you never expected or foresaw marrying you, will be your husband, as long as God meant for him to be the one to marry you.”

It is hard or some may argue, downright impossible( as impossible as trying to scratch that itchy point on your back that your hands will never reach in all your lifetimes,with your fingers!) to predict what God or the Universe already chose for you, and to some it may be exasperatingly and furiously unreasonable and unfair that they should have no say in what happens in their lives, that they have no control because divine will claimed the reins of their lives long before they even existed!

The Law of Predestination is potentially controversial and highly dependent on religiousity! It does not exist without religious principles of the existence of God who has power over all creation and therefore, can impose a lifestyle on people. So, if someone is a thief, were they meant to be so? Where do you draw the line between our personal will and ability to make concious choices and predestination? Why would God create people and give them no freedom to choose for themselves the kind of life they would like to lead?Why would there be Divine Judgment if God had already judged by planning the kind of life so and so gets to live that another does not? Is not that judgment in itself? Would not God be ultimately judging his own judgment during Judgment Day?

A Problem with the World or Maybe, Just Maybe, the World Has a Problem with Me

I feel things so deeply, it is almost as if I have supersized and supercharged nerves that pick on even the slightest emotion and triple-thousand it instantaneously without hesitation, leaving me completely overwhelmed.

When I was in my overly curious years, I developed so many unanswered questions in my head mostly about the universe and our existence and the purpose behind it. I have always looked at myself as the tiniest speck of dust in a planet which is found within this wonderous galaxy composed of thousands of stars which also is part of a much larger universe comprised of more galaxies and I ask myself, “How, why, what and when?”How did the universe come to be? Why did the universe exist? What created the universe? and when exactly was this perfect synchronized universal system constructed?

What I have been failing to see was just how impossibly difficult these questions are and whether or not I really want to know the answers had they existed! If I am totally intrigued by the existence of my own self and how and why I came to be and still cannot figure any of that out, how could I expect to figure out the entire universe?

I mean look at us, before we even look at the sky and wonder why it is blue and not pink, let us take a look at our glorious selves and ask simple questions like, how do our hearts keep beating automatically? How we all grow up eventually from being cute( or annoying,however you like it) babies with tiny feet and hands to become full grown, independent people and finally age ( most terribly, if I may add. Whoever came up with the saying “age like fine wine” was probably drunk at the time) to become as helpless and dependent as we were when we were kids, or how we all eventually die one by one, each at their own time, and gradually new babies are born who grow up and then die and the cycle goes on and on? I mean what is the point of all this? Is there a greater,unknown reason behind the existence of human beings and the universe and God and all that which defines the existence of matter in a given space and time?

I have wondered for some time now but most of all what makes me anxious is the fact that maybe, just maybe, all this was for nothing; Maybe all the human suffering an ordinary human being goes through in a lifetime, all the wars, the famines, the floods, the earthquakes, the heartbreaks and the Urinary Tract Infections were all for NOTHING! The mere idea of that scares me and strips away any clothe of hope I have left covering my heartbroken, chronically-disappointed,continously-let down, severely lonely and desperately-single- self that is holding onto a tiny spark of hope in her heart that perhaps, just perhaps, there is a reason, a divine explanation to this madness that is called human existence!

A Rather Lonely Life

It is 5:00 PM EAT and I am seated on a baraza in a tiny park-like area reserved for passers-by to just sit down and relax. I feel so alone. There is nothing here to keep me busy. I wake up and I have to work hard to just get through the day without dying of boredom.

I am watching tuktuks and cars passing by as if I do not really exist; as if I am part of the baraza which I am sitting on. How does someone survive a day or two without keeping active or accomplishing something? How do people live without a purpose?  “Why don’t you watch movies?” A friend suggested. I am tired of movies? Yes that is right!! Infact, I have begun to realize that movies or my laptop screen is a place I go to not out of choice but because I do not have a choice! I recall from an early age being fixated in front of the tv screen just because my life was lacking on so many levels that the only interaction I had at my disposal was a grey box with moving pictures on it! I feel like what I once thought was a hobby is actually a replacement of those things I do not presently have in my life. I have been using tv or screen time to fill the void of my lonely, socially-handicapped lifestyle that was brought by circumstances beyond my control. It is only now that I realize these unhealthy patterns in my life. Therefore,more than anything I want to connect emotionally with people and be around people; more than life itself I crave human connection and interaction!

Coming from a dysfunctional family does not help my social skills at all! Thus, it took me a while to feel comfortable in my own skin when I am surrounded by other people! I have been called “weird” and a “nerd” several times because of my poor social skills but that is because instead of being surrounded by family when I was a child, I had only a tv and novels to socialize with! They were my two most dear friends in the world. In other words, I was not invited to be a member of the Social Club of the World when I was growing up.

Now that I am all grown up and almost done with college, I deeply feel a need to be close to someone and share my life with them. My worst fear is being lonely, all by myself! I do not ever want to be alone!

I find life when I am with people. It makes me sleep at night when I hear other voices apart from the voice of my breathing; when I have to fight for the blanket with my little brother who is sleeping beside me or fight for remote control.

Upweke ni uvundo, they say, well they were spot on right!

The Conundrum of Modern Day Dating

A long time ago, our great grandparents never met each other until the wedding day. Love came after marriage if you were lucky enough to find it or if you were born on a freakishly bad day, there was no hope for you and you were forever stuck with a stranger-turned-life partner whom you never really chose for yourself in the first place! However, the silver lining remained to this day, to be the down-to-earth simplicity in relationships that is never found in modern day dating experiences.

A hundred years later and the world of dating and relationships evolved not necessarily benefiting us but seriously complicating our lives in such a way that the entire world suffered from commitment phobia!

Today, dating and relationships is so flawed because all of the intricacies of courtship such as who approaches whom first? , when do you initiate contact? and how to sustain mutual attractions are all mixed up in a hullaballoo of mambo jambos as if someone overturned the Universal Table of Relationship Laws on which such rules were neatly arranged and placed in order and everything went helter skelter strewn all over the floor; As if someone mischieviously and purposefully burnt the Holy Guide of Relationships so that people, men and women alike, were left lost and confused like forgotten puppies at Tesco or Walmart and they are all barking and running about looking so cute and just so pitiful both at the same time!

I find myself to be a victim of a confused and rather uneffective dating left-over system that left me wondering whether or not I really ever want to fall and stay in love!

I am either an alien living in my own planet or the dating world totally alienated me such that I no longer understand the things that some guys I liked did and the trend that has been ongoing with guys so far. For example, I find this guy I totally like and he likes me too we exchange numbers and then he does not text you first. You wait and wait and clearly you see him stalking you and checking out your statuses on social media but he does not squeak! Then when you decide to make first contact, he responds and then plays hard to get and later ghosts you and does not say anything. So you are left wondering what is going on? Did I say something wrong? Is he busy or is he plain ignoring my texts? I wish there was a map or a rule book that said something like, ” If you do not receive response to your texts from your lover for 10 hours, then it means that he no longer wants to be with you.” It is just so confusing these days! Emotional mind games and who-will-text-soonest games are just not worth my time and make me so furious and eventually make me lose interest in that person and move on!  I wish guys would evolve to become confident,more assertive and starightforward and just communicate how they feel and tell you directly whether they like you and want to get to know you! Either the planet ran out of mature guys who know what they want or guys evolved into sissies, either way , I find myself continously disappointed by timid,unsure guys who do not communicate their feelings; It is as if I am a huge magnet that attracts only shy guys who never speak their mind!

Where are mature, confident men? Because I do not think I could fare well with anyone less than!

Heavenly, Cholesterol-free Breakfast

So I am on day three of my weight loss diet and I am just so happy I made it this far without binge-eating carbohydrates!

So I have been overweight for quite sometime now but my self- image was spot on! So I always felt like a size two! Haha! Therefore, while everyone, including my dad and sister, kept on warning me about my weight, I did not fret because to me I was just fine! ” Stop bothering me you all!” I would say! Infact, when my sister would not stop nagging me about my weight, I would even get angry! However, I have got a new inspiration all of a sudden to lose some weight! There are several reasons why I got inspired for the FIRST TIME to go on a weight loss diet, but I will only mention two:

1. I want to look sexier in a lingerie.

2. I want that guy I am crushing on to get an all-package girl; beauty, brains and body! No way he is ever going to fail to notice just how great of a catch I really am to him! I am a perfectionist, what can I say? Haha.

I cannot say the journey so far has been easy! There were times when I got tempted to EAT! Meals in a Swahili setting are downright enemies of weight loss! wali wa nazi, samaki wa kukaanga, viazi karai, chai ya maziwa,kuku wa kukaanga, rice, rice, and more rice!!! But I have been strong! So far , so good! Kudos to myself!(patting myself on the back). So my breakfast is custom-made! While everyone is eating “my weight loss enemies”, I am eating oatmeal and hibiscus tea! Yey! ( trust me it tastes like medicine! Yikes!)

It Is Raining Fish

The biggest sulisuli I have ever seen. My brother and I went to Silver Beach in Malindi and we saw this very huge fish called in my language sulisuli. It was incredibly large and had a very long snout.

It was such a site to behold! The fishermen had just caught it and it was being transported to I guess the Malindi Sea Fishing Club just nearby the beach.

Unhealthy Relationship Habits

They say if you love someone let them go if they love you enough they will come back. I do not understand the relevance of this saying. It does not make sense to love someone and be able to leave them at the same time. The direct interpretation of this saying, is ironical at best!

However, I believe this saying has a deeper meaning to it. Its relevance comes to light when you talk about unrequited love. In the case that someone has fallen in love with another who does not share or return the feelings, it is possible to suggest letting them go and if they should later realize they love you too, then they will naturally come back to you.

Another example in which this saying could apply would be in obsessive relationships. It is always the case when you first love someone and they are only what you can think about! You think about them every time you wake up, go to sleep, eat, walk, shower and breath. Sometimes they are all you talk about as well! Your family or friends are probably tired of your banter as you go on and on about your love interest. It becomes serious when you start to unconciously mention their name out of the blue without really meaning to! What is worse is losing touch with reality and isolating yourself in a love bubble where you start ignoring your friends and cancelling girls’ or boys’ night out!

I have found myself in an obsessive love trap many times and I feel like it is best to dial down the excitement especially when the realationship is new and you guys are heated up about getting to know each other and manifesting your feelings for one another. It normally does not end wellbfor me when I am the one giving too much attention. I therefore, came up with a brilliant idea to break this obsessive chain in my realtionships and that is to KEEP BUSY. And if you have nothing to do ACT BUSY. I am trying to experiment with my idea and I will let you readers know if it works or not(fingers crossed!).

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

So last Thursday I was at the library reading “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” My favorite part in the book is ” Paradigm shift” which means there are many ways of seeing the same thing; that changing your paradigm is like taking off a pair of sunglasses. Once you change your paradigm towards something , you see it in a totally different light. However, this time I read something quite interesting. The writer of this book mentioned Frankl. He was a psychic determinist. Apparently he held this view that people are conditioned when they were children, therefore, whatever experiences a child had shaped them to become this person who cannot change forever. He argued that the behaviors of adults are static and unchanging. However, the writer of the Seven Habits disputes this theory and claims that psychic determinism theory may work on animals, because they can be trained to behave a certain way and because they have no conscience,or ability to choose how they respond to stimulus, their behavior is therefore, unchanging and is infinitely dependant on the way they were trained before. However, human beings on the other hand have the ability to choose! And that is what, the writer argues, disproves the application of Frankl’s theory on us humans. Therefore, a person cannot blame the upbringing they received in their childhood as the cause of them having a certain weakness or unpleasant behavior. He concluded that humans have the ability to choose how they respond to  stimulus. So for example, if you think your harsh temperament was because you were brought up in a hostile environment, by harsh parents, think again, because you have the ability to choose how you respond to stimulus that triggers your hostile behavior and hence you can change this behavior.

Give to Receive?

Some  universal rules are unwritten and therefore, apply only naturally to situations that arise in someone’s life. One such rule is the “Rule of Giving”.

Have you ever noticed that whenever you give away something, be it money, an idea, or a positive thought, you always seem to receive something good in return?Food for thought!

They say in my mothertongue, kutoa ni moyo; this phrase translated loosely into English means that when you have a giving heart it does not matter how much you have, because you will always be inclined to give away no matter how small that thing is. I have observed that every time I give away, let us say, a hundred shillings, I seem to receive thrice or even ten times as much shortly after. When you become a giver, you are more likely to receive!

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